Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize