Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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