If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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