rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She's the barista slut.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
