sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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