His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
