i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I understand Curling. That high.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
