I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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