i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
