i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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