you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
