You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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