I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
