I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
