everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
