is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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