I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
