I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
