He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
