Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
ok first of all what the fuck
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
