She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
