Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
literally had 100 drinks last night.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
