Apparently you make a good broom.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
