Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
