best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
