omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
