my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize