I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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