my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
