I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
