my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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