Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
