I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just found puke in my bra..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Your cock deserves a montage
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize