Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
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