i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
