i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Pants are for mortals
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
