this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
