I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
