Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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