We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
