Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We have started to decorate penises.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
