I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
