it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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