i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
