Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
