"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
