Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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