i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
where am i from again
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
