I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
