Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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