Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
