What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
