I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
