She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
