just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
