god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
