Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
