I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
