soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
