I think I died a long time ago.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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