Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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