I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
