Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
